Signs Your Relationship is Toxic: Romantic Lessons I Learned the Hard Way

I never imagined I would end up in a toxic relationship. In the beginning, it felt like a fairytale… love that heals, lifts you up, and makes you feel complete. But what I had is the opposite.

He cheated, lied, and used me. And the most painful part wasn’t just what he did, it was that I stayed and hold on to the hope that maybe he would change.

I kept telling myself again and again that perhaps this time he would be loyal, perhaps my love would suffice. But love is not meant to be a never-ending struggle. Love shouldn’t hurt, it should make me feel free and assured. The truth is, every time I stayed, I wasn’t just forgiving him. The truth is, I was betraying myself every time I chose to stay.

The breaking point came during what should have been a happy occasion. I left for just four hours to attend a friend’s prenup video shoot. When I came home, I discovered that he had used that time to sleep with another guy, in my own apartment. That moment shook me to my core. It was the kind of betrayal that didn’t just break your heart… it also breaks your self worth.

Looking back, I realized love can blind us to things that are so obvious. We make excuses for their behavior, we hold on to promises that were never real, and we give up our own happiness just to keep the idea of “commitment” alive. But the truth is simple… if love feels like pain most of the time, it is not love, it is toxicity.

Here are the lessons I learned, the hard way, about toxic relationships and what it truly means to choose yourself instead.

1. If the relationship doesn’t have reciprocity, leave

Love is about give and take. If you are the only one giving time, energy, and affection while the other person just takes, you are not in a partnership, you are in a draining arrangement. A relationship should feel like a safe space, not a battlefield where you are constantly losing.

2. If your partner wants an open relationship that you don’t want, let him go

An open relationship works only when both people want the same thing. If your partner is pushing for it while you are silently hurting, it is not compromise… it is disrespect. Love should never feel like a negotiation where your boundaries are being ignored.

3. If you ask for the same things over and over and nothing changes, it is time to give up

A loving partner listens. A selfish one pretends to listen and then does nothing. If you keep begging for honesty, attention, or basic respect, and your partner keeps ignoring you, that is your answer. People change when they want to, not when you beg them to.

4. When he only prioritizes himself, just let him go

A healthy relationship is not about “me first,” it is about “us.” If your partner always chooses his own desires over your happiness, you are in a one-sided arrangement. Don’t waste years waiting for him to suddenly put you first.

5. If he isn’t giving you the things he knows will make you happy, love yourself enough to leave

At times, love is expressed in little things, such as remembering what makes you happy or believing in your aspirations. If he cannot do the least gestures even though he knows how much they will mean to you, then he is not concerned about your happiness.

6. Finding love from within

This was the most difficult lesson for me. I was always waiting for somebody else to love me, only to discover that the most important love that I needed is my own. The moment you learn to love yourself, you no longer take crumbs from people who can’t give you the whole cake.

7. Be happy single

Being single is not a curse… it’s freedom. It’s a chance to heal, rediscover who you are, and to build a life you actually love without waiting for someone else to make you complete. Happiness doesn’t come from a partner… it comes from within.

8. Don’t look for the right person, be the right person for yourself

Oftentimes, we chase and fantasize the idea of “the one” without realizing the most important person we need to be right for is ourselves. Focus on your own growth, happiness, and peace then you’ll start to feel truly whole. Then love may arrive and enrich your life rather than fill a vacuum.

It took me leaving that abusive relationship to realize it was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do, but also the most liberating. It taught me that true love never has to leave you feeling worthless, anxious, or betrayed.

If you’re reading this and you feel trapped in a relationship that continuously hurts you, please listen when I tell you this: choosing yourself isn’t selfish, it’s survival. Love is lovely, but only when it’s genuine, kind, and equal. Anything less than that isn’t worth your time, your tears, or your heart.

At the end of the day, your most important relationship will always be the one you have with yourself.